You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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