I can't breathe out the right side of my face
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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