she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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