I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
