I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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