I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize
