Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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