I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
