the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I wish they made helmets for livers.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
