i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
