You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize