mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
