I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
