david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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