he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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