Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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