Having a random hookup so left but love u
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
