Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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