Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
