don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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