seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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