I wish my penis had an off switch
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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