Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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