What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
