there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
