id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
