I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
