ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
