u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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