i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
