I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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