I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
