Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
