i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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