I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
