I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
