I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
