dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
