tonight lets celebrate not being married
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
