My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
