he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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