i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
