Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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