when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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