i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
