Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
