I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My pussy is not your playground.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize