I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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