I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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