listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize