well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
