got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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