I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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