I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
