on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
