I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
