Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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