I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
