9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
