Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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