Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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