nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
