dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
