He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
