Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
