Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
