Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize