Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
