i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Say something about gay babies.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
